a tale of two hearts

to my darling...

You truly are.

I loved watching you too play together tonight - just magic.

sunset sail on the hudson

Remember this night?

Such an incredible way to see New York.

A sunset sail on the Hudson - this should be on everyone's top 10 things to do in New York.

It's definitely on mine! 

ps: we've got to take Lucas out on the boat sometime. I'm secretly hoping he loves being out on the water as much as I do, that way we can gang-up on you and convince you we need to go out on Pop's boat more often :P

thinking of you

In the wee hours of this morning as I held Lucas in my arms, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I started scrolling through the blog archives. I read one post after another.
 I decided last August I wasn't going to remember what day it happened. So I made no note in my calendar and decided that with the passing of time and my terrible memory that eventually I'd forget the date and month entirely.

Last night, I remembered that I'd left one little clue for myself. I went searching for it at 1am this morning. I found that post. August 21st. Exactly a year, to the date. 

I was numb that day and for the weeks that followed.

I could rationalise it in my head but not in my heart. It's so common and we're not the first nor will we be the last to experience that pain. While those facts are true they did absolutely nothing to ease my heartache...and it ached.

To ache for the loss of someone you've loved for years makes sense. To ache for the lost opportunity to love someone you are yet to meet does not...and yet that didn't matter to my heart. It was shattered into a thousand pieces and it hurt.

We'd lost our first baby.

The days, weeks and months that followed were so much harder than I was expecting. To the rest of the world we made it look like we had moved on as though nothing had happened - on the inside I was hollow.

I remember laying in bed next to you one Saturday morning, we both knew the other person was awake but neither of us said anything. We just laid there. We both knew what we were thinking about but neither of us had the words or courage to speak.

At times I feel like I'm still waiting for those words to arrive. I suspect that's why I listened to and sang Glorious Ruins so much after that day.
One day we'll hold you little one - till then bask in His perfect love.

"When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy

I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace

Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your Name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I'll sing

When the world caves in
Still my hope will cling to Your promise
Where my courage ends
Let my heart find strength in Your presence"

four weeks

You are officially 4 weeks old!

I can't believe we've been able to kiss and cuddle you for 4 weeks. It feels like you only arrived yesterday.

We've loved wasting days getting to know you, nappy changes, feeds, gazing into your eyes, watching you sleep, cuddling you, smothering your face, arms, feet and tummy with kisses, singing silly songs and midnight dance sessions.

Can't tell you how much fun we've had with you over these last 4 weeks (can't tell you how sleep deprived we are too!)

We love you to the moon and back little man - thank you for being you.

nappy change

Hi honey,

Hope your day at work is going well. 

Here are a few pics of the little guy from this mornings nappy change. A little different to the 3am version earlier today where he was bright red from screaming his little lungs out.

Seriously - how adorable is he. It's no surprise he gets covered with kisses at every feed and nappy change!

A few things I learnt this morning:

1. The hair dryer isn't the only thing that instantly stops him crying. Apparently the little guy also likes the Hillsong "No Other Name" album. I figure it's cause he heard it for a full week at the conference just before he was born. 

2. I kinda feel bad telling you this one but we just had the best playtime!! OH MY...so much fun! He was calm and relaxed enough to enjoy his nappy change (even though he still did a spew during it). I also placed him in his rocker for the first time and he really enjoyed that too. He's so much more alert and you can see that he really looks and notices you now. I may or may not have shed a tear of happiness while hanging out with him this morning. I have a feeling you'll really enjoy playtime tomorrow with him. 

3. The downside to him being so much more alert is that it's taking sooo much longer to settle him for a nap. Oh well as they say "babies be babies".

oh my heart

Oh my heart.
How blessed am I to be your mum!

snippets of our week at home with you

Hey Lucas,

I'm completely aware that you can't read this at the moment and that when you are old enough to you may not even want to read it! 

But I'm going to write it anyway.

While it's written to you, let's be honest it's also for your Dad and I (and your grandparents). Much like the wonderful times I've documented of your Dad and I here on this blog - I plan to document the memories we create with you because we want to savor and enjoy every precious moment we have with you.
Here are a few snippets of our second week at home with you.

Playtime with dad - this lasts about 2-3 minutes at the moment before you give us a yawn to let us know it's time for another nap.
You went to Jonty's 5th "Everything is Awesome" Lego birthday party, wearing the sweet threads Auntie Sarah gave you. Yep, you were a little pooped and exhausted from all the partying.
That's you meeting Lily and Jonty for the first time. Trust me, you are actually in the pram. You're just very tinny at the moment so you don't really take up much space in it.

That's you having some lunch. We're both learning how to master the art of feeding. We were doing really well for a while...we'll keep working on it.
 Your first attempt at tummy time with Dad.
This is my view of you when your milk drunk - ohh Lucas how I love you!
This is you chatting to Dad before your massage..
...and this is you falling asleep during your baby massage.
Left: You milk drunk again
 Right: Tummy time with Mum.
Your first shower - you LOVED it!
Early morning chat with Dad before your (3rd) breakfast...
 ...followed by early morning burps with Dad.
 Playtime with Mum before we pop you into your cot for yet another nap.

 Here are a few things you didn't see in the pictures but I think you should know:
  • You peeing on your Dad and I at 4 consecutive nappy changes. Your Dad laughing at me when I just got peed on. Me laughing at your Dad when you peed on his favourite shorts. I wish I'd had the camera to capture the look on his face!
  • Me googling "how to get pee out of carpet" at 3am in the morning (one of many moments where I've realised that life is no longer as it once was)
  • Your Dad playing the Red Hot Chili Peppers to you on his guitar so you'd stay awake to feed.
  • The stub of your umbilical cord falling off.
  • You spewing out of your nose and mouth at the same time.
  • You doing a number 2 while Dad was changing your nappy and the way Dad jumped back to make sure it didn't hit him!
  • You going to your first play group.
  • The countless visitors you've had. So thankful that you are loved and adored by so many!
  • The tears we both cried when you've been in agony with reflux and wind (I could write a whole blog post on this one!)
  • The little smiles you give randomly throughout the day. We don't care if they're gas, they're just amazing.
Your Dad and I love being around you Lucas - even when you pee on us! We're so thankful to be able to do life with you, you are a remarkable person and it's been amazing getting to know you over the last 2 weeks.

I don't think your Dad and I have ever laughed as much as we have in the last 2 weeks and that's all thanks to you! I don't think we've ever prayed together as much as we have in the last two weeks either. The weight of responsibility we feel for you is incredibly humbling and it's made us both realise that as much as we love you there are certain things that are beyond our control and we need to know where our responsibility ends and where we need to let go and trust that God's got you in His hands - cause He does. 

So thankful He's placed you in our family.