a tale of two hearts

thinking of you

In the wee hours of this morning as I held Lucas in my arms, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I started scrolling through the blog archives. I read one post after another.
 I decided last August I wasn't going to remember what day it happened. So I made no note in my calendar and decided that with the passing of time and my terrible memory that eventually I'd forget the date and month entirely.

Last night, I remembered that I'd left one little clue for myself. I went searching for it at 1am this morning. I found that post. August 21st. Exactly a year, to the date. 

I was numb that day and for the weeks that followed.

I could rationalise it in my head but not in my heart. It's so common and we're not the first nor will we be the last to experience that pain. While those facts are true they did absolutely nothing to ease my heartache...and it ached.

To ache for the loss of someone you've loved for years makes sense. To ache for the lost opportunity to love someone you are yet to meet does not...and yet that didn't matter to my heart. It was shattered into a thousand pieces and it hurt.

We'd lost our first baby.

The days, weeks and months that followed were so much harder than I was expecting. To the rest of the world we made it look like we had moved on as though nothing had happened - on the inside I was hollow.

I remember laying in bed next to you one Saturday morning, we both knew the other person was awake but neither of us said anything. We just laid there. We both knew what we were thinking about but neither of us had the words or courage to speak.

At times I feel like I'm still waiting for those words to arrive. I suspect that's why I listened to and sang Glorious Ruins so much after that day.
One day we'll hold you little one - till then bask in His perfect love.

"When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy

I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace

Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your Name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I'll sing

When the world caves in
Still my hope will cling to Your promise
Where my courage ends
Let my heart find strength in Your presence"