I've felt a little thrown, a little off kilter these last few months. Which is completely understandable given the circumstances. When your body is not humming along as it should be and every test and scan has left doctors at a loss as to what is going on, naturally it throws you.

I think what has frustrated me most about it all is how emotionally distracted I have been, again, completely understandable, but frustrating never the less. 

The events of the last decade have been such that I've forced myself to cultivate habits and reorganised life so that I can be emotionally present to both myself and to those I love, to witness them, to enjoy and savour what is, right here in this moment.

What do you call that, that skill? The capacity to exist here, being alive, alive to what is going on, in and around you rather than having your mind always focused on the next goal and milestone and what you need to be doing in this minute to make sure you get there quicker?

That second part, that I was a gun at before having kids. I mean I was a spreadsheet, career, finance, life goal setter and go getter. Life wasn't something to be present too. Life was something you mastered, something to be conquered. 

So it fascinates me to no end that I now find myself in a position where according to the traditional metrics of 'success' that I once ascribed to, I'm not mastering 'it', I'm not conquering 'it' and yet here is the kicker, I'm more infused with life, contentment and joy than I ever have been? Go figure. It does my head in. 

Anyhow back to feeling off kilter, the reason why I bring this up is because I have noticed that in recent years no mater what the circumstances and at times they have been bleak, it is that capacity to be present to the wonder before me has had the capacity to hold my heart buoyant through it all.

And yet I have still found myself off kilter these last few months, a drift with fear of what the future might hold, unable to ground myself in the delight before me. 

Clearly there is still more for me to learn, something about cultivating presence even when suffering lingers, not just outside us but in ones body, or something like that I suspect.

Ah life, the eternal teacher and me the reluctant eternal student.

 This one is for you Lucas because I've noticed how much you love looking through your old birthday posts.

You took the whole lockdown thing in your stride, you were so intentional and proactive in planning out the day.

 I really enjoy watching how confidently you communicate what lights you up and the intentionality you showed in crafting this day.

Its a rather remarkable thing to witness someone you love discover the inner workings of their heart and to then get to watch them birth those things or experiences into existence. 

It's probably one of my most favourite things about being a here on this little blue marble at this time - seeing the people I love craft lives that are an honest representation of their inner yearnings, their passions, desires, dreams.

You're officially 7 and you very much have a good grasp on that skill - looking forward to watching you continue to unpack and then go about building and investing in those inner yearnings and dreams of yours. 

We love you so much.